First Day of School.
Davina
in Documentary, G & G, Personal
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27 Comments
I'm a mess.
I didn't know I'd cry this much.
I didn't even try to wear mascara today.
I knew this day was coming...it's why I took this last year off from my business. A kind of self-imposed sabatical. I didn't want to miss a minute. And even now with the house quiet and no kids here...it still wasn't enough time. I'm figuring it never will be. There's no Gracie in the next room singing to herself some made up song about "I love flowers and Strawberry Shortcake dancing...dancing...dancing and the day is so sunny and I'm so happy. I love my mama, yes, I do." Some crazy song about nothing and everything that made me smile. It's just silent. She's not running in to me from the other room to give me a random really tight neck popping hug just because she was suddenly filled with love out of the blue and had to share it with someone.
I'm certainly not saying everyday is butterflies and roses...we have plenty of days when they're not and for sure by the end of the summer my kids were at each other's throats a lot more than they were when the summer began. The thing is once those days are past and I'm looking back...it's the butterflies and roses days that I hold on to.
For some reason you think when the kids finally get to school you'll be so grateful for the peace and quiet that you've earned after 12 years of having at least one child at home with you during the day
After a summer of noise. noise. noise. it's very quiet. quiet. quiet. And even though I know there's a lot of silver linings to this new development, phase, stage of my life...today I'm sad and a bit melancholy and I've cried many tears that keep coming without warning. . Yesterday, I stood in the shower trying to get the tears to stop because I had kids chanting for me out in the car because they were so excited to get to Target to pick out a school outfit out and go to back to school night...enthusiasm and excitement were at their peak and I didn't want my tears to put a damper on the day. So as I drove to Target I had tears silently slip down my cheeks unbidden by me.
And now as I write this they well up again as I try to keep them at bay.
Last night as I lay with Emma just as she was trying desperately to fall asleep, we were talking about the first day of school. She said to me, "I hope you don't cry, Mom." And I said, "I'll try not to." She said, "I don't want you to cry, it makes me sad." I tried to reassure her, "I'm only sort of sad. I'm so happy about the beautiful, sweet, compassionate, and wonderful people you are all growing up to be." And she hugged me really tight and unknowingly squeezed more salty water from my eyes and she whispered, "I want you to be happy, Mom. I love you soooo much." And she showered me with love and kisses.
I'm all about having independent children. It's what I've raised them to be...they've made me proud. And yet...when it comes down to it I want them to stay little. I want them to need me. To look over their shoulder and give me a little smile. To run back to the car, throw their arms around me as tight as they can and kiss me like crazy and say, "I'll stay with you Mama and I'll never grow up."
It's so bittersweet to have them walk on their own. Be grown up.
And for some Mom-only-knows-reason I want it to happen...I'll just have salty water running down my cheeks while they put on their favorite first day of school dress, throw on their backpack, and walk into their class or their school (since walking Emmett to class is now out of the question) without looking back.
To my sweet children...I love you. Please know that as you go out into the world that I'm here. Right here. I believe in you more than you know. I love you more deeply than you can comprehend. You are the only you on this planet and, even though I love you for reasons innumerable, I'd love you for that one reason alone...
And even though it seems like I'm sad...I'm throwing out confetti on this day just for you...
new. LIFE.
Reader Comments (27)
Wonderful post Davina. You are a wonderful mother and are clearly raising beautiful, well-adjusted, loving children. Hoping school is out for the day in another hour so that your home will be filled with noise again soon. : > ) Blesss you.
What a Beautiful post, Davina! I know that I only got to spend a few days with you at Love Affair, but I totally love you! You helped me discover that my passion in photography is beyond the image, but more about people and relationships. THANK YOU for that gift! I don't think I can ever thank you enough. :) Oh and, I used to be an avid journaler and then about a year and a half ago, I stopped for some reason. But I've been journaling faithfully since I got back from Love Affair! :) And it has been sooo good for me, helping me center back on what's REALLY important every day. Anyway, your kiddos are lucky to have a mom with so much passion and love like you!
Much love,
Caroline
I KNOW!! I only have two kids (they are only one year apart in school). The first one going to school was hard... but there was the element of it being new and exciting, plus I still had my younger one at home. But the day I took my youngest to first grade (all day school) I was hit hard with emotion. My husband ended up taking a few hours off work and sitting in Starbucks with me while I fought the tears (many times). It was HARD!! I feel for you today. :)
In a few weeks I start my oldest off to Middle School for the first time. Ugh. I can already feel the tears. ;)
Another reason to be a photographer, so you can capture these priceless moments in a beautiful well captures photo. Your kids are adorable. The glass is half full, now with them out of the house during the day you can get in more posts on your blog so I can read them :)
Your Great!
~Brittney
Davina, you are always amazing. Thanks for sharing your emotions and gratitude.
My Nicholas starts Kindergarten on the 31st. He has been full of love lately and asking if we can do home-school. I am curious as to how the day will go.
They are adorable! I know you must be so proud of what you have accomplished thus far with them.
I really enjoyed getting to know you at Love Affair Workshop. My husband and I are patiently (sort of :) waiting to see the photos. We wish you and your family all the best!
wow, what an sweet and encouraging post! i love all your first day of school photos. i like how you and your family are finding a balance in training and teaching your kids, and allowing them to be their own people--teaching them how to make good decisions and be independent! that is something i think about now for my family, and my husband and i talk about occasionally--and we don't have children yet. thanks for the encouragement and example.
Oh my, Davina. This was so beautiful. I don't even have kids and here I am crying my eyes out! I can only imagine all of your bittersweet feelings. I kind of have nothing more to say. Now I am just speechless.
gee thanks davina, make me bawl my eyes out!! haha : )
Oh such a day of mixed emotions. Precious pictures and it really doesn't seem like it was that long ago I was sending mine off ...
Inspirtational. It is when I read things like this that I know that I am so blessed to be able to stay home with my two boys, and the sacrifices Jed and I are making are worth it so that I can watch them grow and nurture them. When my dad told me that I promised him I would stay 6 years old forever I didn't know what he meant until I had my own children.
Oh my gosh, I am so totally crying right now Davina!
oh davina.
i wasn't sure i could get through this post.
my oldest goes to kindergarten on monday. i've had a tough time preparing for it. and i know i'm going to cry those cleansing tears that you talk about. thank you for putting feelings into such beautiful words. and these images? well, they truly are priceless. i love your heart. it is so pure.
thank you.
i sent my second baby off to kindergarten this week and felt weepy and 'naked' without him too. thanks for posting this!
I cried as I read your post. So beautiful! I have one in middle school with lockers and 7 classes. Oh how I remember the fear of it for myself. Then one in 5th and one in 1st, not a baby in kindergarten. It was bittersweet when they left me at home with just Sage, but it was very quiet. I had to turn the radio on for the day so there was sound.:) I think I wont know what to do when Sage goes to school. I will probably cry too!! Much love to you. It i soo exciting to be able to be free though and do those things you have had on hold for all those years!
your killing me here. monday is my little one's first day of preschool... not even kindergarten yet, and I still feel what you are feeling. The thought of both boys being happy for hours a day without me around evokes in me a joy and sadness that is impossible to express, and yet you just did. Thank you for being so eloquent.
As busy as this summer has been and as much as I have wished for hours of peace and quiet so I may edit the three weddings backing up on my computer, I know I will regret every time I have had asked in the past months "can you go play without me for a while?"
xoxo
kim
Davina, a wonderful posting...pictures and feelings....
Thank you so much for all you do for my son and your children. They are wonderful kids...I am very proud of them and so happy for them. Thank you for sharing the pictures of 'First Day of School'... brought back a lot of memories for me...Your family is a very special one...I am a very lucky gramma.
Mom
I was confined to my room for 24+ hrs(very sick,doctors orders) with my kids only looking in and blowing kisses once in a while. I was so sad I happened to be sick during the last few days of summer we had together.Especially since Adam is starting full day kinder. ):
Hi Davina, What a beautiful post......it truly touched my heart (and my tear ducts too)! Our little Austyn starts first grade on Monday, I am thinking that there will be some tears at that house for sure too. I loved the pictures, the kids have grown up so much this past year!! I think of you often, I am so happy that everyone is doing so wonderful....miss you, Becky
Oh Davina,
I cried reading your sweet and open post. You are just a light in this world with your beautiful heart. You are also brave. I am taking my 19 year old daughter back to college today. I cried all last night and feel the weight on my heart this morning as we are getting ready to pack up the car. I hate this. I love her here. She brings sunshine into this home, to me. She makes my coffee in the morning before I get up, she still calls me mama. Oh, here come the tears. Anyway, I would love to say it gets easier, but it just changes over time. I home-schooled mine. Good grief, you would think I would have had enough. Motherhood never gets enough of her children. It is God's gift to us. I admire you so much, and so enjoyed spending time with you at Love Affair. Thanks for fully being who you are. We all benefit.