First Day of School.
Davina
in Documentary, G & G, Personal
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27 Comments
I'm a mess.
I didn't know I'd cry this much.
I didn't even try to wear mascara today.
I knew this day was coming...it's why I took this last year off from my business. A kind of self-imposed sabatical. I didn't want to miss a minute. And even now with the house quiet and no kids here...it still wasn't enough time. I'm figuring it never will be. There's no Gracie in the next room singing to herself some made up song about "I love flowers and Strawberry Shortcake dancing...dancing...dancing and the day is so sunny and I'm so happy. I love my mama, yes, I do." Some crazy song about nothing and everything that made me smile. It's just silent. She's not running in to me from the other room to give me a random really tight neck popping hug just because she was suddenly filled with love out of the blue and had to share it with someone.
I'm certainly not saying everyday is butterflies and roses...we have plenty of days when they're not and for sure by the end of the summer my kids were at each other's throats a lot more than they were when the summer began. The thing is once those days are past and I'm looking back...it's the butterflies and roses days that I hold on to.
For some reason you think when the kids finally get to school you'll be so grateful for the peace and quiet that you've earned after 12 years of having at least one child at home with you during the day
After a summer of noise. noise. noise. it's very quiet. quiet. quiet. And even though I know there's a lot of silver linings to this new development, phase, stage of my life...today I'm sad and a bit melancholy and I've cried many tears that keep coming without warning. . Yesterday, I stood in the shower trying to get the tears to stop because I had kids chanting for me out in the car because they were so excited to get to Target to pick out a school outfit out and go to back to school night...enthusiasm and excitement were at their peak and I didn't want my tears to put a damper on the day. So as I drove to Target I had tears silently slip down my cheeks unbidden by me.
And now as I write this they well up again as I try to keep them at bay.
Last night as I lay with Emma just as she was trying desperately to fall asleep, we were talking about the first day of school. She said to me, "I hope you don't cry, Mom." And I said, "I'll try not to." She said, "I don't want you to cry, it makes me sad." I tried to reassure her, "I'm only sort of sad. I'm so happy about the beautiful, sweet, compassionate, and wonderful people you are all growing up to be." And she hugged me really tight and unknowingly squeezed more salty water from my eyes and she whispered, "I want you to be happy, Mom. I love you soooo much." And she showered me with love and kisses.
I'm all about having independent children. It's what I've raised them to be...they've made me proud. And yet...when it comes down to it I want them to stay little. I want them to need me. To look over their shoulder and give me a little smile. To run back to the car, throw their arms around me as tight as they can and kiss me like crazy and say, "I'll stay with you Mama and I'll never grow up."
It's so bittersweet to have them walk on their own. Be grown up.
And for some Mom-only-knows-reason I want it to happen...I'll just have salty water running down my cheeks while they put on their favorite first day of school dress, throw on their backpack, and walk into their class or their school (since walking Emmett to class is now out of the question) without looking back.
To my sweet children...I love you. Please know that as you go out into the world that I'm here. Right here. I believe in you more than you know. I love you more deeply than you can comprehend. You are the only you on this planet and, even though I love you for reasons innumerable, I'd love you for that one reason alone...
And even though it seems like I'm sad...I'm throwing out confetti on this day just for you...
new. LIFE.
Reader Comments (27)
Penny, thank you so much for your sweet words to me!
Caroline, I'm so grateful for what you've said and so excited that Love Affair is changing your life in such profound ways. That's a beautiful thing for you and for your family. Wohoo!
Michelle, my husband ended up going in late to work...and I'll be thinking of you next week. Good luck!
Brittney, thanks! You're funny!
Laura, you are such a sweet mom. I'll be thinking of you, sweet friend, on the 31st.
Michelle, it was so wonderful to meet you as well. I'll having something for you to see by the end of next week!
Amanda, thank you for the kind words. It's so important to have those talks before the kids come along. It helps you both to understand where you each will come from as parents. Understanding and patience with each other are so key to parenting!
Morgan, thank you for your sweet note!
You're welcome, Carly! :)
Becky, I'm sure that is so true! I keep thinking, "Didn't I just bring my 12 year old home from the hospital yesterday???"
Emily, that is soooo true! Staying home with your kids is a big sacrifice on so many levels...I think in so many ways, if you are happy staying home (this is very important for a mom), the blessings far outweigh the sacrifices.
Rebekah, I miss you, girl!
Janet, your note to me was so wonderful. Thank you! Good luck on Monday!
Melissa, I hope your week has gotten easier. Naked is such a great word to describe the feeling of having no one around while you're home alone.
Kristen, I know! Junior high is so scary and new and crazy. Emmett and Gavin will do well though, right?!? :) It's freaking me out a little. I'm so grateful you live close. Bittersweet is about the best word to describe these feelings.
Kim, you are such a beautiful mom and woman. I hear you on the regrets, tell them to shut up! :) You've made wonderful choices in your life for your children...I'll be thinking of you on Monday. Good luck with your little pre-schooler.
Betsy, you are such a sweet Gramma and so sweet to me. Thank you!
Rita, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been sick. Ugh!! Full day kindergarten is just wrong, I've decided. They shouldn't be allowed to rip children from their mothers like that! :) hahaha....
Becky, Austyn has grown sooo quickly. I just can't believe it. I'll be thinking of you and Brandy and Mike...I'm sure it will be a tough day.
Sweet Mary Anne, you've just made me totally cry! I can't imagine taking my kids to college and even said to my husband in a spluttering mess of tears and snot, "I'm a mess and it's just kindergarten! This isn't high school graduation or college or marriage or missions or anything!" I'll be thinking of you today...and probably losing tears every time I do....
Davina I can't believe how big Gracie has gotten. I love seeing you shoot again! I hope you are enjoying your new home and life. You are totally the person that I look up to. I love your work and hope one day to be able to aspire to where you are.
you bring me to tears. Here I am ready to give birth to my first baby and I'm already thinking about the day that I'll have to let him go for his first day of school. thank you for sharing these precious images.
As expected, I went to your blog to fill a hole in my heart- and I am deeply comforted in this most recent post. My son goes back to school tomorrow, third grade. My daughter will go back to preschool in a couple weeks. I needed reassurance in the direction I have chosen for my business, to follow my heart and do what is right for me and my family. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable side and letting us know it's ok not to be the person/photographer everyone else wants. You and the girls have forever changed my life in Atlanta. Smiles tomorrow.... much love- Allison
Oh Davina, How I feel your exquisite pain. My son just left for his sophomore year at college, and my daughter starts 9th grade on Thursday. I have salty wet drips running down my cheeks reading this. I too hang onto summer for as long as I possibly can. I love having the kids home with me. Always have. We, I think, are kindred spirits. :) Blessings~Nancy
Well said! Noah's been going to school since last January, but yesterday was his first day of school this year. Of course, I'm so slammed this week that it's just like he's going to his grandparent's so can run around. It will hit me next week though.