it can't be the first day of school already.

Every year the 1st day of school is difficult for me.  It's filled with all of the reminders of the things we did all summer and the things I wished that we had been able to fit into the too short summer days and the months that felt like they had wings and moments that happened before I even realized.  Seconds that played out and that I hoped to capture but that seemed to fly away before my hands could reach out and cup them careful to place gently into a mason jar.  So many of those summer days of lemonade and swimming and drive in movies and just being now feel like the fireflies we tried to catch...chasing after t hem, reaching into the gathering dusk for their light, hoping that when we opened our hands we would have one to keep...

I have all of these sweet summer memories in my mind and I can't help but want to have them in my hands where I can live them all again.

I loved this past summer.  It was a summer filled with things I hadn't expected.  My kids all grew up more in the last 3 months than they have in any previous summer.  Everyone one of them gained inches.  Emmett is now taller than me...that seemed to happen almost overnight.  Emma and Miriam both grew so much that now when I put my arms around them they I realize that they are less my little tiny girls and more grown up. Grace has gone through 2 shoe sizes and lost 2 teeth and gained 2 inches.  How does this all happen so fast?

I also didn't expect that this would be my first summer that I would have days where I looked to the first day of school and hoped it would come quickly...

Mostly, though I have loved summer.  I love the days of swimming at the pool, everyone hanging around the house engrossed in a great book, hearing my girls play endlessly together, laughing from another room in the house, happy kids running in and out of doors, girls making lemonade for a lemonade stand, boys making every color waffles for all of the neighborhood kids, doing sprints in the mornings with Miriam and Emmett, whispering voices coming from beneath blanket laden kitchen table forts, princesses being chased around the house by older brothers with light sabers, watching kids ride off down the road on their bikes together, walking to the school, playing at parks, exploring trails, paddling boats, eating ice cream, laughing under starry skies on our back deck, planning our 4th of July party, being silly with Grammy and Grandpa, picking very small and very few tomatoes from our garden, making salsa, taking meals to people with the cousins, creating cardboard villages, painting masterpieces, feeding giraffes and rhinos, playing games, enjoying a fun staycation, eating more ice cream, and just hanging out and being together.

What I didn't expect was that my kids' personalities would become stronger than ever.  They've always, each of them, had strong personalities and I've raised them to be independent and speak their minds.  I'm grateful for that...most days.  Some days though, especially lately, I'd like at least one of them to please just back down from a disagreement, stop pushing each other's buttons, refrain from poking their brother, or maybe just try not to talk for 2 minutes...those were the times that I would look at the calendar and wonder when school was starting.  Because at this moment...it wasn't soon enough.

A few years ago my sister said to me, "How do you stand the fighting?  I just can't stand the fighting..."

I said to her, "My kids don't really fight."

She said, "Really?!"

I was surprised to hear that my sister's kids fought enough to make her crazy.  They are good kids and my sister is a great mom.  (I was leaving in an alternate reality, I'm convinced.  I'm not saying that my kids didn't fight...I'm saying they didn't fight enough to make me crazy.)  I said, "Really. They have occasional moments...but it's not too bad."

She's a few years ahead of me.  Her oldest is 2 years older than my oldest.

Let's just say...

I now know what she was talking about....

There's something that clicks as kids get older.  Even though my kids have definitely known that they have a voice in our home...it's been recently that they've realized more and more that their voice means something.  They want to bring it out more often and stretch it and exercise it and get a good look at what it can do.  They like to experiment and see what kind of effect their voice and actions can have on other people. It's part of learning...even if it makes me crazy.  I'm glad about the learning, the stretching, the trying things out.  It's a good thing...except when I can't take it any more. 

So I watch as our family changes and evolves and our summers become shorter and shorter and personalities and voices are tested and there are days when school starts looking appealing...

Today, I sit here wishing that this new school year would melt away and wait to arrive on my doorstep until another day.  Today, I want to put a book on my kids' heads and hope it keeps them from becoming another year older.

I want that.

And I don't.

Watching my children change and become these amazing, outspoken, thoughtful, sensitive, kind, crazy, funny, soulful, aware, smart, wonderful human beings is also thrilling.

Seeing them try on being older and more grown up just to check the size like it's a pair of pants that is a size too big makes me smile a very, "I'm so proud of you even if it makes me crazy" kind of smile.

And when they occasionally leave those one-size-too-big pants discarded on the ground, I smile because I get to hug them just a little more and hold them just a little longer.  I know it's only for a second and they're going to try on being older and grown up again too soon.

And that's what makes every 1st day of school difficult.

It means that all of my kids are going to bust out their "I'm older and more grown up" clothes.  There's less and less looking back as I drop them off at school.  There's less sad faces when I leave and more excitement about what's ahead.

And that's the way it should be.  It's the way I want it to be for my sweet kids.  I want them to seize new opportunities with gusto and excitement.

And from outside their classroom doors I watch them and I listen to the voices behind doors as I walk down the long school corridors...

and I smile a very "I'm proud of you even if it makes me miss you" kind of smile...

school. LIFE.