comparing and other disastrous things.

Artists in general seem to always be looking for a way to perfect their craft.  There always seems to be something just beyond the horizon that is constantly just out of reach.  Photographers suffer in large part from the same terrible yet beautiful elusiveness as well.

Combine that with being a woman and it seems to have a double trouble affect.

So often it's easy to start comparing ourselves against someone else's best, someone else's life, their art, their travels, their bank account, their home, their kids, their photo shoots.  The amount of things to compare are just endless.

We start to measure our worth based on how many bookings we have this year, how good our last photo shoot was, if our kids or theirs are more well behaved or less well behaved, how many comments we get on a certain post, or what we weigh.

If we let it, all of these things can outshine all of the good we are doing.  Comparing ourselves to others and finding ways to measure our worth based on the things we do will never manage to bring us any kind of joy or happiness.

Some days I have to consciously remind myself that I am on a different journey than friends..friends who are doing the newest trends in photography, home schooling their kids, giving their time to the community, and turning out cool lighting in photo shoot after photo shoot.

For me, this year is not about all of the external things that I can do to change the way I shoot... lighting, a new camera, the new couch, the new blog.  It's about an internal search for a more intimate, meaningful  family, business life, and eventually, photo shoots and weddings.

What I am doing is loving my life just as it is...loving this crazy journey that I'm on.  No comparing.  No measuring. No silliness like that.

There are days when I wonder if I've made the right choice to wait on my business for a while.  I wonder if I'm missing too much in the industry and if it's going to pass by without me...

And then I remember that what I really want are butterfly moments. Moments when I'm around to see my children transform, grow up, change, and start to spread their wings.  Over the past few months I've read with my kids, been available for my kids when they get home from school, played Strawberry Shortcake and friends, Polly Pockets (these days will not last much longer), heard about lego competition, been the home room party mom, spent many mornings and afternoons with Miss Grace, heard burping competitions, laughed more, taken more walks in the evenings, taken more walks in the mornings, and spent more Saturdays working with my sweet little family, and so much more.  The pace of my life has slowed down.  And I'm happy with that.  I know it won't last.  Fall will come and things will change.  Grace will go to school all day...and for me, I want the butterfly moments to stay.

At that point there will be another butterfly moment...when everything changes.  I'll be getting my business to be full time again, Grace will spread her wings, my life will be very different.  There will not be my sweet girl at home with me all day...just the two of us.  I will not get to hear her in a quiet house talking to herself about what fun it is to go to Strawberry Shortcake's house or 'reading' a book that she makes up the entire plot for and as she reads having her say her favorite line from Clarice Bean, "Not naming any names.  i.e. Grace Grapello ".  Those times are reserved for the hours when it is just she and I alone at home.  There will be less hugs, less spontaneous shows of affection, less blurted out "I love yous".  Things will change.  A milestone will pass.

And I know what I really want is:

for my kids not to pass by without me.

for my kids to remember when they are grown that I laughed a lot with them

for my kids to remember that I played in the woods and threw a frisbee in the road with them

for my kids to have moments all around them that remind them that I like to be with them

for my kids to know that they bring me joy everyday

for my kids to know that I love them more than my business and my computer

for my kids to have summer vacations that include me

to be in pictures with my kids

to see the simple beauty in my life as it is

to have time for homework after school and not seem distracted by my email box

to sit on the couch at night with my husband and not worry about what needs to be done

to have a calm heart and a quiet mind

There is a lot to compare my life and my business up against.  People are doing all kinds of cool things.  The photography industry is moving at a mind-boggling speed.

We all want to know that we're doing the right thing.  Of course, when we make choices those choices don't just affect us...they affect everyone around us...we hope they affect those people for the best.

I have a lot of butterfly days these days.  And I really love them...

even if everything else just passes me by for now...

happy. LIFE.